last verified: this morning, by hand. and by mouth.
| shelf 1 (top) | 1 (one) carton oat milk | opened. acceptable. shelf life acceptable. |
| shelf 1 (top) | 1 (one) carton oat milk | not opened. waiting. patient. |
| shelf 1 (top) | 1 (one) carton oat milk | i don't remember buying this one. |
| shelf 2 | tupperware (contents unknown) | has been there since march. i refuse to open it. it is now part of the household. |
| shelf 2 | half a lemon | not the same half from last week. a NEW half. |
| shelf 3 | jar of olives | 11 olives. there were 12 yesterday. i did not eat one. |
| shelf 3 | jar of olives | 10 olives. (updated 4 minutes after the row above) |
| shelf 3 | condiment graveyard | sriracha (2019). mustard (2017). a brown sauce (no label). sweet baby ray's (recent). |
| shelf 4 | 1 (one) egg | just the one. it watches. |
| crisper drawer A | celery | flexible. concerningly so. |
| crisper drawer A | a single grape | this is not where grapes go. it arrived on its own. |
| crisper drawer B | (empty) | but if you open it slowly you can hear breathing. |
| freezer | ice cream (vanilla) | this is a lie. it has been freezer-burnt since 2022. it is now a sculpture. |
| freezer | 3 (three) ice trays | all empty. i never refill them. and yet. |
| freezer | a bag of peas | has migrated 3 inches since last inspection. unprompted. |
| door — top | oat milk | this is the SIXTH carton. i have a problem. but it is not a problem. |
| door — middle | 1 (one) beer | i do not drink beer. |
| door — bottom | baking soda (open) | has been "absorbing odors" since 2014. i fear what it has absorbed. |
| behind the fridge | i have not looked | and i will not look. there is a covenant. |
total carton count: 000006
the fridge hums in B-flat. i have tuned my microwave to match.